My wonderful and peaceful music has gotten me through the day, and a ten minute chat with Matt when he stopped by my room for a key I had revitalized me. Not to mention spending some time with Tay and Ame. I was feeling really lonely. The change from having the whole campus to myself to being surrounded by people was overwhelming.
musical interlude-
"I think I'll go to Boston, I think I'll start a new life... I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of these sunsets, it sure is nice in the summer... oh you don't know me, and you don't even care. Ohhh yeah... But no one knows my name- there- in Boston- where no one knows my name."
So I've decided that I might be able to do this. This- whatever this is- I'm here. In Iowa of all places, and I'm going to figure everything out. Or at least all the things that are worrying me right now. There seem to lots of things. I fell asleep last night with tears I couldn't explain or stop just rolling down my cheeks, silently. I woke up exhausted and totally not caring- it was just like any other day at college- all the ones that make you want to shoot yourself just so you can feel something... But once I got back to my room I just started working, and then Matt stopped by and seeing him for a few minutes was really nice. Just to sit and talk for ten minutes. I wish he could have stayed longer, I had more to say, I always do, but he's ridiculously busy and he had to run off to go do something else. I have to admit that I miss just sitting in the writing center working with him late at night. I miss that company, even though I was basically terrified of him then- haha- it's funny how he used to scare me. Now I miss those times.
I've decided that my biggest fear is of rejection.
No not decided. Discovered. That's better, I've always been that way, I just didn't know it. I didn't make the choice to be terrified of rejection- I was made that way by my experiences.
That's why I can get clingy when I feel like people are pulling away from me. I fear the rejection that I feel like I am beginning to sense. Now I'm working on changing that. I don't like being clingy. I don't want to be. I'd like to be independent. And I'd like to be able to know when to just ask for some company. Someday, maybe, I'll figure it out. For now I'm just learning, trying not to fall too hard that I shatter.
