We Wander and We Wait

Day 39- 

Sitting, waiting in the Writing Center- feeling a bit chilly because there is a definite draft coming in the main door directly on me. 

I have been thinking about what I need to do, mostly because of all the things I got done last friday. So to make myself feel better I want to recap everything that I managed to do on Thursday and Friday:

• Did 3 Design for the Stage assignments in 5 hours
• wrote a solid rough draft of my individual poem explication
• Read the story for my Gender Lit class
• posted the Gender lit homework on Moodle
• Finished my resume for the Clark Merit Award
• Wrote and finished my Personal Narrative for the Clark Merit Award
• Met with my Lit Analysis professor 
• turned in my Clark Merit Application 30 minutes before the cut off time
• Went to the Theatre open house and helped focus lights and place gels
• Helped at the Writing Center open house
• Ate a delicious Mediterranean dinner in the Writing Center
• Made myself look pretty
• Went to Addie's show & cried through almost the whole thing
• Remembered why I am doing theatre and fell in love with my major again
• Went to Perkins for midnight muffins with Lizabe, Aaron, and Ashley
• Fell asleep cuddling between Aaron & Ashley with a tasty Peachy drink
• Ended a week feeling good

Now this weekend I didn't feel like I was falling apart. I didn't NEED to call my mother so that someone could coach me through my panic attacks without seeing me, because earlier in the week I didn't want to be seen. I just wanted to disappear. 

Now I feel strong. I woke up early this morning to take a shower and gave myself almost an hour to play with my hair. I feel attractive, glasses not withstanding, and I like being noticed. I have to say it did help that Matt was gone for the weekend and I didn't see him until rehearsal this afternoon, during which I held myself distant. It didn't hurt as much to see him this time, and I think I can do this now. For now I just have to tell myself that he doesn't exist, until I need him to exist for some reason directly related to my interactions with him in Arcadia. I can be polite and distant. He ignored me in public when I was sleeping with him, there is no reason for me not to do the same now. If for nothing else, other than to protect my fragile heart. 

I can do this.